My friends,
I hope your week has been better than mine. I don't mean to be a downer. I know its been awhile since i've last written. I really should get better at this but I find it the best and most pressing time to write. I am so broken. My heart feels full and heavy. I am about to leave to Africa and I am going through the worst fires of all. Heartache. I don't know if i can hold myself up for these children if i can barely go a mere two hours without feeling a need to burst. I lost it at work the other day. I broke down crying and went home early. I slept a full day yesterday being away for a mere 3 hours. Let me explain.
Though i am at such a blessed place in my life, i feel so empty. I have grown to hate summers. i feel this way every time i am alone. i don't want to be dependent on anything. yes. independency an American culture classic. but, oh how so dependent i have become going to a school so small. What does it mean to want alone time? Let alone need alone time? I constantly feel so sad for these past two weeks. I constantly feel distant and frustrated. I try to pray. Does alone time ever mean without God? are you ever really able to just be truly alone no matter how much you want it? If i have alone time am i supposed to invite God or just let him be there cause i dont have a choice? My friends and family have always told me i think too much. I over-think, over-criticize, over-look, the small things. How much time have I wasted doing this? and if i am wasting said time, why do i still feel like it matters?
I am searching for a peace of mind. I am searching for a comforting God, but am i the one preventing him from comforting me? Why are we always so unsatisfied? God, I want to be content. Lord, Prince of Peace, come.
Photography is so precious to me. As I look at these and listen to As Tall As Lions': maybe i'm just tired, I feel just about okay. i hope these bring peace and soothing feelings to you as well. here are a few from my work in London:
THIS IS MY LONDON
These pictures really mean a lot to me. especially this first one above. the dark figures are the hollowed walls that remain after this church was bombed. The church is opened in the middle to the sky and the heavens. a plaque reads "father forgive." i sat in silence when i took these pictures. they look unreal. the new church built beside the remains of the first is absolutely beautiful inside. the pictures that follow are of the two churches in Coventry, London.
