mon coeur se casse

My friends,

I hope your week has been better than mine. I don't mean to be a downer. I know its been awhile since i've last written. I really should get better at this but I find it the best and most pressing time to write. I am so broken. My heart feels full and heavy. I am about to leave to Africa and I am going through the worst fires of all. Heartache. I don't know if i can hold myself up for these children if i can barely go a mere two hours without feeling a need to burst. I lost it at work the other day. I broke down crying and went home early. I slept a full day yesterday being away for a mere 3 hours. Let me explain.

Though i am at such a blessed place in my life, i feel so empty. I have grown to hate summers. i feel this way every time i am alone. i don't want to be dependent on anything. yes. independency an American culture classic. but, oh how so dependent i have become going to a school so small. What does it mean to want alone time? Let alone need alone time? I constantly feel so sad for these past two weeks. I constantly feel distant and frustrated. I try to pray. Does alone time ever mean without God? are you ever really able to just be truly alone no matter how much you want it? If i have alone time am i supposed to invite God or just let him be there cause i dont have a choice? My friends and family have always told me i think too much. I over-think, over-criticize, over-look, the small things. How much time have I wasted doing this? and if i am wasting said time, why do i still feel like it matters?

I am searching for a peace of mind. I am searching for a comforting God, but am i the one preventing him from comforting me? Why are we always so unsatisfied? God, I want to be content. Lord, Prince of Peace, come.

Photography is so precious to me. As I look at these and listen to As Tall As Lions': maybe i'm just tired, I feel just about okay. i hope these bring peace and soothing feelings to you as well. here are a few from my work in London:

THIS IS MY LONDON

i am simply vee